May 29, 2011

I remember soft winds from my accelerating speeds.
Never too fast but enough to feel the heart flutter.
When I stop pedaling, the wheels click excitedly.
A child’s theme song are these clicks and bird chirps harmonizing.
No destination; only up and down the driveway.
There was the occasional stone to grab at the tires.
During this assault, gravity yanks me down knees first.
Without fear or horror, just lick off the liquid copper.
Eyes are clear and I can find my way to a Band-Aid.
In no time I’m back riding again and feeling proud.

I can’t forget my soft whimper from his swift action.
Everything all too fast, blood pumps louder than before.
When he keeps pushing, the cuffs click formidably.
These clicks and prying questions are the noise of my vulnerability.
No sense of direction, only red soaked pavement beneath.
Frequently his inquiries belittle my human.
During this encounter, he yanks me up shoulder first.
In terror and sadness, all I can taste is iron.
Eyes are blurry and I’m shoved onto cold leather.
For a century, I’m in the back riding, feeling pathetic.

-Lani 🐄

The Auckland Chinese festival was nice. I started to get overwhelmed with how many people there were and feeling sad for not having anyone to share the night with. The sad feelings went away quickly when I got to taking some photos though. Slowly learning more how to take better pictures. Higher aperature at night time is a better pictures. The more I focused on the photography, the less I cared that I was alone.

Today’s activity, go to Mount Eden, the highest point in Auckland serving as a decent panoramic view. It’s one of the naturally formed cones from volcanic activity. A bit touristy but well worth the price of $0.00. Definitely got a surreal feeling that I’m currently on an island with no one I know personally.

Felt like a hectic day today. Already experiencing a sense of being lost, lonely and doubtful. How and why did I come here? I know this will go away once I start making friends but I find that difficult to do in missing my own and unable to confidently approach people.

The wifi here at the Auckland YHA hostel sucks ass. Makes methnk I should update my phone data. Snapchat has already failed a lot today and I can’t get my KiwiExperience app to work. Stresses me out a lot. I was relying on the fact that when/if I ever get lonely, I could call or snapchat someone from home.

I’m dowloading skype now. I heard Donny mention it a few times. I’d like to see their faces again. Already. Jesus christ, I’m pathetic. I feel like I wouldn’t be this way though if I had decided to stay 1-2 months, not half a year. Way to go, Lani.

I’m opening a kiwi bank account tomorrow. It’s a struggle logging into the BECU app or website right now. I’ve upgraded my data plan though. Had 2 g of highspeed internet and for now $10.00 more I have unlimited. Going to need that shit.

My non-stop playlist since LAZ has been two Alt-J albums. An Awesome Wave and This is All Yours. Aside from the fact that Alt-J music is calming, it’s nice to think of the trip home from Montana last summer. Greg and I listened to An Awesome Wave on repeat. 

I’m super homesick already. I wouldn’t go home given a free ticket back though. Fuck no. Cash that in to get one of my friends here instead. 

I’m kind of surprised with the age range in the hostel. Seems to be 18-65. Solo introverted travelers such as myself, couples (lots of couples) and a few groups. My hostelmates are chill. One of them sounds a bit bitchy to her mom on the phone which I don’t like. The one above me coughs a bit. No issue though, I’ve been there. And the one across from me was as tired as I was. We took a two hour nap at the same time. Only she’s still sleeping… I decided to wake up and eat dinner so I can sleep tonight. 

I should go on a jog tomorrow morning. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can do literally whatever I want within legal limits and my main choice right now is to stay in the hostel. So glad I left the states to do that. It’ll change once the Kiwi Experience bus picks me up though. 

Journaling is keeping me grounded and somewhat logical.

Been at the airport in Vancouver BC for three hours. It’s 16:00 right now. I had a slight cry baby moment when Greg dropped me off. Just 4-5 tears. Nothing more than what I had last night as I was trying to go to sleep in the AirBnb. Both nights Greg and I couldn’t fall asleep at all. The apartment was too noisy and hot. Heater made RC car noises and it sometimes sounded like there were dogs barking in the distance. But our host was really nice and clean. I’ll be sure to write her a positive review.

Still couldn’t sallow the knot in my throat when Greg drove away. Printing my boarding pass helped a lot though. I do really well in airports. Printed my boarding pass, passport out, security was a breeze and then my nerves were gone. They only started up again before I started writing.

This will be good. ‘S all good. Saul Goodman. All good in the neighborhood. But one thing I can’t get over is who the fuck thought it was a good idea for me to go? They’re on my shit list right now. 

This shall be the ultimate test of my ability to keep my shit together. In the moment where I may need someone the most, in a foreign country with little money for six months, I’ll have only myself to cam me down. Let’s fucking go, bro.

I keep a small travel journal with me and write about my trip in New Zealand. Someone had the idea about me starting a blog or a vlog. Honestly, I don’t think I could ever do it because I hate self-promotion but maybe I can hold up on writing posts on tumblr?